Following In My Footsteps

My heart is breaking for one of my nearest & dearest bestest friends in the whole wide world. Six was super excited to be expecting baby #2 in September. She is supposed to be 12 weeks along but at her U/S appt the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. He estimates fetal demise to be somewhere around 7-8 weeks. I am ready to cry for her, the baby she has lost and all the things that I thought I had finally put behind me.

Six messaged me this afternoon to let me know that she's "apparently following in my footsteps". They are now waiting for a time & date to go for a D & C. Six & her DH were so looking forward to this as a new beginning. They had some serious issues last spring that almost cost them their marriage. The fact that they had conceived again was proof that things were good for them. Everyone was so excited for them to be adding a new member to the family. They all cried when Six told them that it wasn't going to be happening as planned. Her DH is struggling with the news.

And this all brings my own ordeal, if you will, come screaming back to my current reality. It always seems like the very moment when I think that its all behind me & I'm over it - something comes along to wreck that little bit of peace that I've made with it. I mean, come on, I'm a nurse on a busy surgical floor. It isn't as if I've never seen or dealt with it countless times before. However, you don't realize the fall out associated with the whole miscarriage thing until you've lived it.

I always seem to struggle with a sea of emotions that range from guilt to full out rage that I had to do it by myself. Although most of the time the rage quickly becomes tears because I know that DJ didn't want to be away from us. But still I am angry that I had to do this by myself. While I grieved for the baby that wasn't, I still had to look after E-Man and go to work. Don't get me wrong, my parents were awesome through it. But I was so angry that not only did I lose my baby but that I had to have my first surgery all alone. And yes it could have been worse...I work with awesome people who went out of their way to make me feel comfortable. My OB made sure that I didn't have to wait for the surgery. My family MD was awesome...she went out of her way to get the results of the nasty U/S that I had the day before (the tech was a total cow to me). I still remember that day clearly. It was Mar 7/07.

Then the guilt kicks in because the last thing that I wanted at that moment was another baby. I know that me thinking that had nothing to do with the outcome but still I wonder if my negativity caused it. And so on and so on it goes. I never really thought that I'd greive over it for as long as I have. For the most part, I'm ok with it and it really only bothers me now when someone close to me is going through it. But holy cow - I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Ok enough about me - to my poor sad Six, it really will get better...I promise! I wish that I could be there to hold your hand as all good best friends should!