Feeling very much like all I do is whine about my current lot in life. I have decided that the only way I am going to sort my shit out is to start thinking about me. I know that sounds terribly selfish but I have no idea how else to proceed from here. I refuse to end up trapped in a loveless, souless marriage because of my children and my need to do the "right thing". I am 31 years old and I won't spend the rest of my life miserable.
Now I am painting the whole situation with a pretty broad stroke. Do I believe that DJ doesn't love me? No, I don't. I know he loves me. But is he in love with me? That is the question that needs answered. The same needs to be asked of me. I love him. I absolutely do. But I have no idea if I am in love with him. I don't know who I am anymore let alone who he is. I have evolved into a mother and somewhere along the way I think that I lost a little part of me.
I am not ready to throw away 12 years. That said something has to give. I have had 2 really good conversations with friends in the last 24 hours that have been rather enlightening. One, JS, is an acquaintance but has been down this road before with her husband. The other, Em, has been a good friend for a great many years who has the ability to call a spade a spade. Through each of these conversations, I have discovered that I am incredibly angry with DJ for being gone again. And intellectually, I know that he really doesn't have any control over this. But emotionally, I am feeling so beaten down by carrying the brunt of singleparenting that I almost feel like giving up on us. Why should I continue being married to someone who is never here when I could be learning to live again?
My theory at this point is to change the things that I have the power to change. So from this point forward I am going to work on the things that I know drive DJ insane. The ones that I can fix. I am going to stop blaming DJ for the problems we are facing and start figuring out how we are going to fix them. Top of the list is trying to get to know each other again. We are going to have to learn how to communicate with each other on a daily basis. I am going to suggest limiting the amount of time that is spent on the internet by both of us. It seems so huge to me right now to try and undertake but the thought of splitting up scares me more. I don't want to live like this anymore. It's not fair to anyone involved. If at the end of the day, we aren't on the same page then we will figure it out. But at this point, does it not seem like a waste to not try?
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