Untitled!

Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie could right all the wrongs in the world! I say this after I have eaten an entire pint of it! And this is why I can’t lose weight. This is why I have started smoking again. It is a neverending battle. I quit smoking so I gained weight. I successfully stayed away from cigarettes for 5 years. 5 YEARS!! My charming husband, the one who is never home I might add, did some things that caused me to question our marriage and myself. In the process of these stunning revelations, I realized that either I start smoking or I was going to eat myself into oblivion. I know that is some seriously stupid logic! So I figured what better to have for a New Year’s resolution than to quit smoking…again. It can’t really be that hard, right? Well, work sucks and my dearest husband is gone to Haiti. So all of my insecurities have reared their ugly heads with regards to him and his indiscretions.

I am at a loss as to how I should feel. How am I supposed to trust him when he says that these things will never happen again? How am I supposed to believe that? He lied! He lied more than once. When I found out what I thought was going on, he lied. Instead of coming clean about ALL of it, I guess he thought that he could get away with me not finding out the rest. Well, isn’t he the fool? Or was it me? Is it me? I can’t figure out how to feel. I am angry and frustrated. I am hurt. I feel like I am being unreasonable. I feel like I am being forced to relive the whole damn thing again and he is off doing his thing. Yes, I know, he’s not out partying it up and having a good time. But at the same time, when I voice my concern, he pats me on the head and tells me that he can’t help how I feel. He promises that it will never happen again. And yet, there is someone that is on his facebook that I can’t see from my own profile. She comments on his status and I can’t see it. She can write on his wall and I can’t see it. But its all there from anyone else’s profile. Does that not make him look guilty of something? Why should it matter if I can see what she writes? Why does she make herself hidden from me? What does she have to hide? I am beyond angry that this has become an issue again. Why should I have to ask him to delete her? Why didn’t he just do it in the first place? Instead he makes some comment about how she plays all his stupid games but that he doesn’t actually communicate with her. Well, mybad, I guess I should be totally ok with that! He tells me that I can delete her if it makes me that mad. Sure I could but doesn’t that just make him look all the more guilty of something? Shouldn’t he be able to figure out that deleting her without being told would be the smart thing to do? And I am the one with issues, right?

Ok so apparently I could go on and on about this subject. I think that I need to sum this up and say that I need to figure out what I want to do with my life. No one is going to care more or less about my problems than me. If I am going to quit smoking or lose weight, I am the only one that can do that. So I guess the time has come to figure it out. Am I going to let this issue define our marriage? Am I going to trust him when he says that there is nothing going on?

Oh and I think that I need to clarify that at no point was he physically unfaithful to me. Or at least that I am aware of I suppose. This is where I have to believe him when he says that he has never been physically involved with anyone but me. And if I start playing that game then I will go out of my mind.